Last will and testament

Some of my favorite short thoughts recycled from my Facebook statuses...


Madonna sings "Don't play those stupid games because I'm a different type of girl." I assume she means "the type of girl with an AARP membership."

...and to The Internet, upon my death I hereby bequeath my entire text messaging history for use in Socially Awkward Penguin memes...

Dang it Lost, slow down. I haven't even stopped crying from the last sad thing that happened. I mean, I haven't even stopped being really manly from the last who-cares thing that happened.

I should write an app that makes it so that whenever the most recent news story on my Facebook feed is from an hour ago, it just replaces the whole page with bold red text "GO TO BED."

It's been almost a decade now. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever stop thinking of Kitty's boobs on Arrested Development whenever I hear or read the words "spring break."

When I find a notice on my door saying that I have to drive to the post office to pick up my certified mail I wish there was a box I could check that would just send the person a carrier pigeon with a little note that says "FYI, this is the 21st century" attached to its leg.

Not happy to see you. Just strawberry yogurt on my pants.

This morning when I woke up I had the image in my mind of the alien from Alien wearing a white Marilyn Monroe dress, standing over a vent. There is no context.

Today I have been invited to 13 meetings meant for someone else with the name Travis. As obnoxious as that may be, at least I know someone else is going to have a suckier week than I am.

A program manager, a designer, and an animator walked into my office... and I don't really get the rest of the joke but when they left they were in a panic that had something to do with trapezoids. Today is a weird day.