Tuesday, December 6, 2005

I don't know what to make of it

The weirdest thing just happened to me. For the past thirty minutes or so, I was quite depressed. About what, the observant reader may ask... but I was depressed about nothing. I didn't do anything or read anything or think anything, as far as I can recall, that made me depressed. It's just like some chemical in my brain misfired, and suddenly I was in really low spirits. I wasn't quite sad, I wasn't exhausted, I wasn't angry; I was just depressed. That's never happened to me before.

It started subtly. For a few minutes I was uninterested in everything—I stopped reading what I was reading, but didn't feel like going to bed yet either. I didn't feel like doing anything. I was just in a bad mood, and I only vaguely noticed it at the time. Just... depressed. I didn't have some feeling that I was all alone and that nobody loved me. Those would be reasons to be depressed, and it was just some aimless, formless, temporary depression.

It's so weird. I'm never depressed. When I say I'm depressed I don't mean it. I mean that something unfortunate has happened. I use "that depresses me" to mean "I don't like that." Because I don't get depressed. The closest I get is bored, and even then I have so much to do that it doesn't last. I'm just always happy.

To feel so depressed was out of character, and to not even know why I was depressed was just sublimely weird. I don't know what to make of it. It's over now. I feel "normal," just like I usually do at one in the morning. I feel like I'm ready to sleep. It's a fact of life; it's a standard daily event. Going to bed doesn't sadden me.



Henry Schimke said...

Well, you are at a reasonable age for severe mental illness to take hold. Maybe you have a nice little psychotic break coming...

Travis said...

Oh man, I hope so.

Henry Schimke said...

Me too. I would really enjoy it if you started to gently lose it. You could include things in your blog about people who you talk to on a regular basis, these people would not be real. Perhaps you could start "going" places that aren't real either.

Get working on it fudge Trundler.