Saturday, October 29, 2005

World of Wal-Mart

Before I head back to Winter Assault I must tell you about the second of two dreams I had last night. I'd tell you about the first one first, but it involved a certain other thing with initials W. O. W. that is similar to but not exactly like the title of this post.

So, in my second dream last night, I was with my family. They came up in conversation at lunch on Thursday, and when they show up in my dreams it's usually a mark of something weird, and this time was no exception. When the dream started, we were all riding around in the old Toyota van that my dad sold a few years ago, heading to Wal-Mart. My dad was driving pretty recklessly on the bizarre, winding, crappy roads on the way there, and my mom was freaking out. (For some reason, ever since my trip to Ireland, I've occasionally had dreams involving their horrible roads in some way.) One of my brother's roommates was also with us, though it wasn't actually one of his roommates, just some imaginary person that doesn't exist in real life. We don't actually really ever go to Wal-Mart (especially since I live out of state and my brother moved out long ago), but that's far from the most insane thing that happened.

We arrive at Wal-Mart, and the place is just massive, far larger than any real Wal-Mart. In fact, I think it might have been the same place that I originally mistook for a mall in the dream in which I was dating Jennifer Aniston, or maybe Wal-Mart was just one store in this mall. I had my Segway there; for some reason this mall or giant store and my Segway always show up together. Anyway, when we got there, we all split up.

We were there for a while, and once it was already past the prearranged time to go, my mom called me and asked me if I was with my brother, because we hadn't shown up yet, and he wasn't answering his phone. (Neither she nor my dad really have cell phones, but hey, it's a dream.) I was already riding back, and he wasn't with me, so she sent me back in to find him. So, I checked all of the places where I thought he might be: the sports section, the hunting and outdoors department, and so forth. No luck. So, I headed down to the lower level, where the health club was. Yes, this Wal-Mart had a lower level, and a health club.

At some point I must have parked my Segway, because I was suddenly on foot, and so I walked around the weight room to see if he was there. No luck there either. I ducked into the locker room to check there, walked around a bit, and found him and his roommate there. He was naked, dabbing himself with a towel. I asked him what the hell he was doing, and he removed the towel to show me that he had gotten a Prince Albert at Wal-Mart. This particular Wal-Mart, in addition to a health club, had a tattoo and piercing parlor. He figured that he would have his penis pierced on the family trip to Wal-Mart. (I guess if anyone in the family were to get a Prince Albert it would be him, having more tattoos and piercings than anyone else in the family.) His appointment had run late, and he wanted to clean things up before the rendezvous with the rest of us, because he had been bleeding.

So, the three of us returned to the main entrance to the store, his roommate and I just as uncomfortable as he was as he lied and told my parents that he had been working out and wasn't paying attention to the time. But, they bought it, and the five of us left to head back home, when the dream ended.

I never did pick up my Segway.

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