I thought it would be fun to write a post for Girls Are Pretty, my favorite blog which I have mentioned before in passing. It's an incredibly weird site; it basically boils down to a very detailed and absurd horoscope each day. I sent this one to Pretty Girl, but she (he) never responded, so I guess I'll post it here, because I think it's pretty damned funny.
Black Obelisks Do Not Deter Space Spiders Day!
A year ago, you became Special Advisor to the President on Evil Space Spiders, the greatest honor you have ever achieved. At first, people thought you were crazy—there’s no such thing as evil space spiders. But, you got the President to spend billions of dollars of taxpayer money creating giant black stone obelisks, believing them to be the only defense we have against the Arachnars, an invading force of evil space spiders who will come to Earth and help their estranged brethren rise up against us before conquering our planet. (He was very, very drunk.) The dedication ceremony for the final obelisk will be today. It will be a momentous occasion; the culmination of a lifetime of crackpot research and painstaking planning. You will have a slice of moist, delicious cake, and each piece will have tiny little black frosting spiders on it. Nice touch. The napkins are probably left over from last year’s Halloween, but they will seem fitting at the time.
As you sleep tonight night, you will have horrible nightmares of the spider attacks, just as you predicted. But, to your dismay, the obelisks will do nothing! It will be awful, and everyone you ever loved will die in a bloody battle of man vs. spider. You will awake at midnight in a shivering sweat, only to find that your legs are missing, soggy sheets and bloody chunks in their place, and there are fifty carnivorous spiders slowly consuming your scrotum. As you scream out in agonizing pain, your two roommates will run into the room, turn on the lights, and yell “surprise!” It will have probably been funnier if you still had your scrotum.
Happy Black Obelisks Do Not Deter Space Spiders Day!