Monday, September 6, 2004

I hate babies

I hate babies. I really hate them. I understand their basic goal and all... I just can't stand them. They're cute for the couple minutes a day they aren't screaming, but that's it. Absolutely worthless. I propose that we ship them all off to some remote spawning compound for the first year or so of their lives. They could receive top-notch care from the kind of people (and by "people," I mean women) who are actually batty enough to be able to stand their constant screaming. The hospitals could even ship the infant for you after birth.

Infant shipping clerk: Okay, 3-day will cost you $37.49; 2-day will cost you $52.85, and overnight will cost you $89.11.
Father: 3-day! I'm not made of money.
Mother: (gives "we're never having sex again" look)
Father: (sighs) Just kidding. Overnight, please.

This plan has two major advantages, one being that children could be raised by childcare professionals. The main advantage, however, is that I would not have to hear the hideous wailing of the demon-child who lives upstairs at unspeakable hours of the day.

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