Instead of posting something new and creative, I've decided just to post random things I've saved over the years. Enjoy. (Enjoyment is mandatory.)
From a post on Slashdot from someone going by the name "Waffle Iron":
The DRU500A by Sony burns DVD-R/-RW, DVD+RW/+R, and even CD-R/CD-RW discs. At $349, you’d be wasting your money. I paid only $249 for a Sunbeam Gas Grill. At 40,000 BTU/hour, it will easily burn DVD-R/-RW/+RW/+R/ROMs, CD-R/CD-RW/CD-ROMs, floppies, Zip disks, Jaz disks, books, magazines, motherboards, DVD/CD drives, keyboards, hotdogs, steaks, dead rodents, old shoes… just about anything.
History is probably the least useful subject I’ve ever been forced to take. Oh, sure, we’ve all heard the old adage that “those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it.” But I’m not, nor will I ever be, the emperor of Germany.
Kurt, one of the graduate students from Software Design Studio:
I’m not good with the faculty. They say I have a bad attitude… I’ll show them a bad attitude, those sons of bitches.
Andy Misle, after tasting my coffee cake:
I’m getting you some Pillsbury mixes for your birthday.
Do you guys eat apples? We have this 14-year-old dwarf apple tree at home, and in the past, the apples have been horribly deformed or completely worm-infested. But this year, my dad sprayed some strange chemical on it, and it killed everything… So, apples, then?
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
From The Onion:
South Korean scientists successfully cloned a human embryo, a procedure some feel is unethical. What do you think?
Harold Price: Finally, someone invented a way to make more Asians.
And, finally, the one that makes me a bad person for sure:
David: I’ve only seen ‘certificate of live birth.’ I don’t think that you get certificates of stillbirth.
Me: It could be like lottery tickets—each birth certificate has a one-in-three chance of winning. There would be little silver areas you have to scratch off.
David: Live fetus… another live fetus!… Oh, dead fetus. Rats!
Me: Or, maybe if you turn in three non-winning certificates, you could get a free baby.
David: Yeah, but it would be an ethnic minority.
Me: There’s always a catch!
Wobbles: Maybe there should be some kind of pool where you can turn in your baby and hope to get a better one.
David: Like a cakewalk?